mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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