high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
