So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
