i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
