Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
