She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
