On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
