Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
