Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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