I heard we made out
no, he came in my armpit
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
