Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
