I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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