i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
