so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
