walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
only you would photoshop your dick
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
