I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
