I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
