Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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