apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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