rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
