i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
