I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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