Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
