help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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