I looked at my own cervix.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
