I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
