imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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