Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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