I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
