I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
