Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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