Can i not drive my cunt home
Welp...herpes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
