Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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