Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
