He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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