I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
