My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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