I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
