so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
