Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
