Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
