atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
