U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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