ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Couch. On fire.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
