Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
