I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
