My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
this will be a night to untag.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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