im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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