just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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