I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
