At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
