If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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